(Dániel Darabos, June 2023.)
“Kra akta koklamma,” hissed the commander of the Kirlian space fleet and cut off the connection.
The screen on the wall of the bridge went dark. The officers of the Spaceship Horizon were all watching Captain Solomon.
“Captain, that means…”
“Yes, Corporal, you heard them right. The Kirlian fleet has decided to attack immediately. Our mission of reconciliation has failed. Gamma rays and octopus torpedoes are going to fill space within minutes. We have to escape. Navigator!”
“Yes, Captain?”
“Direct our spacecraft to the coordinates of Sirius-2b. Engine room?”
“Yes, Captain?”
“Prepare hyperdrives for launch. After the countdown, activate the hyperspace jump on my word. Ten, nine…”
“Excuse me, Captain…”
“Yes, engine room?”
“There is a problem with engine two.”
“Is engine two down?”
“No, sir. But a family of beavers has moved into the engine coolant. Our mission is to protect life and peace throughout the Galaxy, isn’t it?”
“That’s right, Corporal. But the Kirlians could open fire on us at any moment. If our spaceship is destroyed, the otters will die too.”
“Not otters, Captain! Beavers! Look, here’s a photo of them playing in the coolant. Aren’t they charming, Captain?”
“They are truly charming. If possible, remove the beavers from the coolant during the countdown. Get ready for hyperspace jump! Ten, nine…”
“But Captain! We can’t disturb the beavers right now! This is their mating season.”
That’s when the first gamma lasers hit the Horizon. The first three strikes were deflected by the energy shield, but the fourth pierced the protective shell with a deafening crack.
“If we don’t jump right now, we’re done for!” shouted Captain Solomon.
“Sir, the Horizon was designed by Sirius’ best engineers. These gamma rays can’t harm it! At most, they warm up the spaceship a little.”
“I’ve always wanted to turn up the thermostat,” Major Eleven butted in. Several officers gave cheers of support.
The barrage of laser beams kept shaking the deck. The smell of ozone wafted into the increasingly hot air of the command room. Some of the officers stripped down to bathing suits.
“Engine room! Remove the beavers immediately and start the engine! This is an order!”
“I regret that the situation has escalated to this point, Captain, but as a representative of the union, I have to override your order,” interrupted Major Geller sternly.
“What kind of union?”
“I represent the beaver oil industry workers. If you remove the beavers from the engine, these people will all lose their jobs!”
“They make oil from the beavers?”
“Of course not. They massage oil into the fur of the young beavers. To make it waterproof.”
“This must be a very important job,” said the captain uncertainly. “But look around us! The entire deck has become a deadly oven!”
“Some parts are indeed getting hot,” Major Geller admitted as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. “But is that the whole truth? Computer!”
“At your service, Major,” answered a polite robotic voice.
“Is there a part of the spaceship where the climate has improved as a result of the gamma ray bombardment?”
“Yes, there is,” said the computer. A holographic diagram appeared in the smoky air of the control room. Colorful lines lit up to show the spaceship’s floor plan and temperature data.
“That’s the freezer room!” said the captain angrily and headed for the door.
The hallway was filled with smoke and flashing red emergency lights. The entire spaceship was shaking. Captain Solomon had to feel his way toward engine room two. The hot chrome alloy of the walls burned his hands. Tap-tap-tap-tap, he heard the characteristic rhythm of an octopus torpedo hit.
Later, in the main square of Sirius-2b, General Falior addressed the crowd:
“I hereby award the Purple Circulator medal to the entire crew of the Horizon Peaceship for their courage and sacrifice. The actions of Captain Solomon and everyone else on board serve as an inspiration to all of us. The medal is presented by Minister of Beavery Soma Holzburg.”